(of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.

…no, it’s not *really* a bad thing.

Sometimes our biggest lessons come through situations that are extremely unpleasant at the time. In a past personal relationship, I was called ‘selfish’ quite often. To be clear, this was not cute or in jest. It was an emotionally abusive tactic & it hurt me deeply at the time. Through an abusive relationship, I felt like every part of my identity was stripped away, slowly, one piece at a time. Shrouded in half-ass apologies and other small gestures to gain my trust back, I didn’t notice what was happening until it was too late. That’s how the relationships works…you question your identity, confidence, sense of self, & your ability to advocate for your best interest or take care of yourself disappears into the abyss. What’s left is a shell of your former self. The experience, while unpleasant, taught me a lot about the energetic exchange in relationships.

I am not a perfect person. I have my fair share of imperfections, but I have always been somewhat of an energetic caretaker in my relationships, so being called selfish was not a coincidence. It was a well played insult aimed at my core belief that I take care of others, and I’m generous with my time & energy. As I recovered from that experience, I found unexpected healing through owning being ‘selfish’ and taking pride in it.

Here’s the catch…like anything else, selfishness can be practiced in excess & it’s about finding moderation. I wrote a little bit about how we over correct when we become aware of certain imbalances, and I did exactly that coming out of an unhealthy, imbalanced relationship with myself and another person. I took time to focus completely on me & do what I wanted. I wasn’t concerned with how it looked to others or what they might think. It was liberating & freeing. I highly suggest everybody try it at least once.

I’m not advocating that anyone become entirely concerned with strictly themselves and throw all regard for others to the wind. I am suggesting that we collectively stop shaming people for having their best interest and well-being as a top priority & accept that the new norm can and should be speaking up and advocating for that.

Self-care is self-love is self-growth. The three concepts are intertwined and personally I don’t think you can practice one without the others following.

CARE for yourself in the best way you know how.

Actively say no or stop doing things that make you feel less than & lower your vibration. If you don’t know what your ‘vibration’ is, work on becoming attuned to that. When we’re with new people or situations, it’s easy to pick up on their ‘vibe’, but it’s harder to know what our own is. It takes practice & it’s a skill that has to be practiced.

LOVE yourself, unconditionally, right now.

Learn to love spending time with yourself. Stop running away from the voice in your head. Learn to sit alone with your thoughts & to quiet them through breath.

GROW as a person who is whole on their own.

Become crystal clear on who you are. Sometimes that process begins with simply identifying what you like or dislike. Practice loving yourself unconditionally. Show yourself love verbally, physically, emotionally, & spiritually – nurture the relationship with yourself the same way you would with a friend or partner. Nourish yourself with real food, water, movement, prayer – whatever feeds your soul & fills your cup.

Just a minute…

This feels like an appropriate place to insert a tangent about two things –toxic positivity & equity. Toxic positivity is something that’s been getting more attention recently & I’ve also become more aware of it happening. During reflection, I found it’s something that I have been guilty of as well in the past. Equity comes up for me here because at my core I firmly believe health, well-being, and consequently all of these concepts should be accessible & achievable for everyone.

To me, toxic positivity is a delicate balance…I believe in the power of a positive mindset. The mind-body connection is something science is just now starting to catch up to (watch Heal documentary if you want to dig into that) & in my personal experience, it has been profoundly powerful. However, we can’t & shouldn’t dismiss that there are physical and chemical imbalances that take place in our bodies that result in disease. Positive vibes & yoga won’t cure clinical depression & anxiety. These diseases have very real, very serious implications on people’s lives. If you can find a movement or healing modality that facilitates healing and the release of stored trauma, the results can be incredible. But, when someone trusts you enough to confide in you & open up about the depression or anxiety they are experiencing, don’t ask if they’ve tried yoga…I’ve made that mistake and I regret it to this day. I do believe that it comes back to trauma and the issues are literally in our tissues. (Read more about ACES, Trauma-informed Care & epigenetics if this concept is new to you). Lifestyle change takes time & often a more immediate solution, like medication, is required. Point being, we’ve probably all seen something like “Good Vibes Only” recently & I appreciate bringing attention to the fact that sayings like that aren’t helpful. We have unpleasant feelings & experiences. Sometimes we have shitty days. It’s invalidating to just cast those unpleasant emotions to the side & pretend they don’t exist. I say it’s a delicate balance because we need a little bit of both. The power of positive thinking can go a long way, but we also need time & space to acknowledge those unpleasant things & move through them.

Now onto equity…I see things like “leave everything that doesn’t serve you”, “quit that job you hate”, “excommunicate toxic people”, etc.. I don’t disagree that these are important things to do in many cases. I do think it’s important to acknowledge the level of privilege required to walk away from your source of income or to stop talking to your support system, at the drop of a dime. Walking away from a toxic job situation that you hate, without a plan in place, placing yourself in a financially insecure place, is NOT self-care. It’s also not accessible for a vast majority of people, who are struggling, living paycheck to paycheck, & don’t have enough savings to float until they find “that job you love”. The financial stress that will likely place on your ability to meet your basic needs is not in your best interest.

This unpleasant relationship was a catalyst towards my biggest lesson around taking care of myself – something I stopped doing during that time. On the other side, I was able to find balance, believe in myself, & take an active role in my life again.

A lot of my focus here is to take the concept of ‘self-care’ & change the way we view it. It doesn’t have to be expensive, time-consuming, or earth-shattering. If you have questions about anything I share here & how it can be more affordable, attainable, or realistic for anybody – please reach out or drop a comment!